Chris Kringle was brutally attacked and killed when his newly purchased Christmas gift, a rabid Chia Pit bull savaged him in a violent rage. The family has requested donations of weed-killer in lieu of flowers or plants of any kind.
The estate of Bob Cratchit is entertaining legal action against his former employer Mr. Scrooge. Scrooge's sudden and uncharacteristic display of generosity so shocked Mr. Cratchit that his heart gave out entirely. He is survived by a widow and several sickly children.
Santa A. Claus is recuperating at home after the surreptitious addition of Christian Brothers brandy to his usual fare of milk and cookies caused him to slip off a rooftop. Fortunately, some jolly hollies broke his fall. He is expected to recover nicely, once the sharp points are extracted from his nether regions.
Rudolph D. Reindeer has been arrested on drunk driving charges. When asked what brought him to the attention of the police, the arresting officer cited his red, red nose. “It was oh, so bright. He should not have pulled a sleigh that night.”
Police are asking for public assistance in the mysterious disappearance of Frosty the Snowman. Authorities are unsure whether abnormally warm weather may have played a role.
Several hundred elves are on strike at the North Pole. When asked why they had commenced this action, they cited long hours and reduced pay. When asked to comment, Santa said he was a little short. The elves were not amused.
The Toy Soldier is thankful to be home. Unfortunately, during his time in Iraq the bank foreclosed. He is spending Christmas in a tent...in New York City, right next to Occupy Wall Street.
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse... Police are requesting the assistance of the public in solving a series of Yuletide cat burglaries and home invasions.
Several Christian Ministers, a Rabbi, a Black Power Advocate and a Secular Humanist have been arrested on assault and battery charges after an argument erupted regarding the correct way to spread Christmas, I mean Chanukah, I mean, Three Kings, I mean Feast of the Epiphany, I mean, Little Christmas, I mean, Kwanza, I mean Holiday... cheer.
This is Rip Van Winkle signing off. It's been a little rough this Christmas and that eggnog sure looks good. Add an extra snort of run and don't wake me until the New Year. In fact, don't wake me at all.
Sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth. Sing to the Lord, praise his name; proclaim his salvation day after day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples. For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods. For all the gods of the nations are idols, but the Lord made the heavens. Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and glory are in his sanctuary. Ascribe to the Lord, all you families of nations, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength. Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name; bring an offering and come into his courts. Worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness; tremble before him, all the earth. Say among the nations, “The Lord reigns.” The world is firmly established, it cannot be moved; he will judge the peoples with equity. Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let the sea resound, and all that is in it. Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them; let all the trees of the forest sing for joy. Let all creation rejoice before the Lord, for he comes, he comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the world in righteousness and the peoples in his faithfulness.